Friday, June 04, 2010

This Week

I've definitely been going through an organization phase lately. I don't know that it's nesting, but it's something. All of this organization has me back in the nursery, which is a lot of fun, but it's also left me feeling a little down this week.

I spent so much time making the nursery ready for two babies, that now it's very apparent something, or someone I should say, is missing. Slowly but surely, I'm rearranging and making the room more appropriate for Mr. Max, but I can't shake the sadness that "Will" isn't going to be there too. (I will continue to call him Will on here so you know who I'm talking about, although Miss C did not keep that name. I just don't think it's my decision to share that name in a public arena.)

Yesterday I finally went through all the clothes we brought back from PA and all of the clothes in the closet. I have a pile of Will stuff and a pile of holiday gear that is going to be way to big or too small for Max. I also decided it was probably time to take the Will painting off the wall, since we are having people over tomorrow night.

The thing is, I just don't know what to do with it all. I surely don't want to get rid of it, but it also feels kind of sad to just stick it in a box in the attic. In the end I know it's just "things," but somehow it's more than that. I feel like I sound very melodramatic, but all of these things are the only things we'll ever have to remember him by. That and a few precious pictures from the time we spent with him in the hospital. So...in the attic it will go I suppose.

I don't really have much else to say. Just wanted to get the feelings out, although I don't know that I even wrote out what I meant to say. I guess that's the way it goes sometimes. I am learning more than ever what it means to live with great joy and great sadness. And as always, I know that God brought Miss C and Will into our lives for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, but I continue to pray that it has eternal value for everyone involved. And I pray that I never forget that God has a perfect plan for our family. Even when it hurts.

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2 comments:

Heidi said...

Such sweet words, Amanda! I pray, too, that your journey has eternal value. Giving up your son and committing that action to the Lord must be similar to the sadness our Father felt when He gave up His son. Both have purpose that only He knew and knows! I pray that God continues to relieve your sadness and pour over you the grace to find the sweet joy that follows! Can't wait to see you this summer. Miss you guys! Tell Michael hello!

joeandjan said...

Heidi couldn't have said it better. I second that! xoxoxo