Endings...but not really

If you are as nosey as I am, you are probably wondering why I haven't talked much about fertility stuff lately. So, hear it is. All at once. The whole shebang.

As some of you know, we began fertility treatments in January. We had two IUIs back to back within two months, and they both failed. We had to take a month off, and then started over again. We ended up having the next two months cancelled due to too may follicles, too many cysts, etc. Finally, in May, we had our third IUI, which also failed.

We were both very determined when we started treatments that we were not going to be long-term fertility patients. Before we started, we prayerfully considered what our limits would be and at what point we would stop. We have reached that point.

Despite what you may assume, we are filled with excitement these days (and a little stress...ha!). We feel that God is calling us to a very specific path as we grow our family, and we covet your prayers as we strive to discern His will in our lives. More information to come...

Wait...

Wait
By Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Easter Eggs...Kinda

So yesterday, when I went off on my tangent, I actually started my post to tell you about two different things...both having to do with eggs in a weird way.

First, this guy has ended up being very handy. In an attempt to boost my "good egg" production, I am on fabulous fertility shots. They make you feel super. I promise. Well, I have to take them at the same time every night (7:15), and being the social butterfly I am, I don't tend to be home around then. So...I have taken to toting my needles and medicine around with me in my sassy new Vera bag. I thought there may be an issue when I took it into the ballpark the other day, but nobody said anything. Maybe I don't have that junkie look about me. Or maybe they were afraid I would get them with a dirty needle. Either way, I was good to go. At any rate, I would like to declare myself "Sassily Infertile."

Onto the next discussion: The Ped Egg. Oh yes, I bought one. And it really did work really well! Ever since the 3Day, my feet have just been terrible, and as Katie and Kristin can attest to, the pedicure technicians (is that what you call them?) tend to bust out the gloves and acid when they see me coming. I can't justify getting a pedicure right now (fertility shots do not go on sale...ever), so I bought a Ped Egg. If you don't want a mental image of what came off of my feet then you should stop reading now. Because when I emptied that thing I had a big ol' hand full of skin sand. That's a technical term. And don't worry...I washed my hands.

So...that's it. Much better than Easter eggs...right?

No Fits

Most of you know that Mike and I are going through fertility treatments, but I don't really talk about it too much on here. It's not at all that I mind sharing. If you know me well enough, you know I'll tell anyone just about anything. I guess it's mostly that although infertility is a big part of my life right now, I am determined to not make it my whole life. I know that some people (hi mom!) wonder how I am handling it all, and frankly, I would say pretty well. I hear stories about people who say it was just the absolute worst and that they cried and cried and cried...and cried some more.

Well, it is the hardest thing I have ever been through. And sometimes I do want to cry. Sometimes I do cry. But as time goes on, I don't really feel the need anymore. Sometimes treatments don't work. Sometimes treatments make me not feel so hot. My friends are getting pregnant, having babies, getting pregnant again. But so what? Is the world supposed to stop because I can't have a baby? Not only would it be incredibly selfish of me to wish it would, but I wouldn't have any cute babies to play with while I wait for my own!

So, every day I tell myself the same thing I tell my kids at school "You Get What You Get, and You Don't Throw a Fit." I have talked about it before, but who am I to tell God that now is the time for me to have a baby? I want one, sure, but through this time I have definitely learned what it means to wait on His timing! So, I'll take what I get...no fits here (well...at least most of the time).

Word Therapy

It was about this time last year that I realized that this whole getting pregnant thing may be a little more complicated than I had originally thought. I knew that it could take a while, and I had a feeling it wouldn't happen right away. I have to say, though, that I had no idea that a year later, we would still not be any closer to becoming parents than we were.

I guess I can't say we aren't any closer. But at this point, we are still labeled "inexplicably infertile." That's never fun, but what are you gonna do, you know?

One of the funniest things about infertility is that you can't really keep it a secret. Your boss kind of wants to know why you keep taking off at the same times each month, and honestly I've never been very good at secrets. I am much too chatty. We decided after a year, when we first started treatments, that we would much rather share our journey with people. We know now that so many people are praying for us, and it makes all the difference.

I have no doubt that my relationship with and understanding of our loving God has grown through the past months. There are so many decisions and choices to be made in the world of infertility, and I pray daily that God will lead us down the path He has chosen for us. I know that there is a chance that God's plan for us may not include having a child naturally, and that's okay. I am not saying it doesn't make me sad sometimes, but it's okay. Who am I to argue with our God? What I do know is that God has a wonderful plan for our lives, and that whatever it is will bring glory to His name. And what more can we ask for?

Anywho, enough rambling for today. I did have to brag on my very cute sister, who sent me an "encouragement" package after our treatment failed last month. How cute is she? She knows me well. And yes, now I have all three High School Musical movies. Whoo hoo! Come over and watch sometime.

What's Been Goin' On

I have wondered for many months now when I would finally write these words on my blog. I hoped I would have good news to share when I did, but I think the time has come. By now, many of you know that Mike and I have been trying to get pregnant for quite a while now (a little over a year for those of you who are curious). We are confident that God has a wonderful plan for our family, and at this point we are patiently (and some days not so patiently) waiting on His timing.

Those of you who have gone through the whole infertility process may relate to the feeling of living your life month to month. Sometimes I am perfectly content and know that God is in ultimate control of my life, and sometimes I just get mad (but still know that God is in ultimate control of my life!) I feel like my introduction into the blogging world has really helped me over the past year. I know that sounds kind of strange, but I think that I would have felt so much more alone in this journey if I did not know that so many other girls were struggling through this part of their lives in the same way. Many of these girls have been trying for years to get pregnant, and it just puts so much in perspective.

In the past few weeks, though, God has really started to burden my heart for all the girls around me, girls I "do life" with everyday that are struggling with the same things that I am. While I obviously can't name these girls on my blog, I would like to ask you to pray for these girls in the coming months. God has a perfect plan for all of our lives, but sometimes it is hard for us to understand these plans until we see them in the rear view mirror!