On Pause

One month ago today we were scrubbing down our house, making last minute trips to WalMart, and getting ready to leave to go to Pennsylvania. This isn't exactly how we saw the last month playing out, but the Lord is faithful and we have been carried through by His grace and the love of our friends and families.

I know I haven't talked a lot about it lately, but honestly I don't know what to say that I haven't said. I'm sad, I wish he was here, but he's not.

I do want to update you, though, about our adoption journey. In the days after our adoption was "disrupted" our consultant at our agency began to speak with us about our options in moving forward. Basically, we could go back on the waiting list as soon as we wanted, or we could go into what they call an inactive waiting period.

At first the choice seems pretty simple, but then a thousand questions and realities begin to pop up. What if Miss C changes her mind (we realize the chances of this happening are very slim) and we've already been rematched? What happens if we are matched and then I can't travel because of the pregnancy? What happens...what happens...what happens????

And honestly, in spite of all these questions, my heart immediately leapt to one place. Of course I want to be put back on the list as soon as possible! Why wouldn't I? But, we knew prayer, guidance, and time needed to be put into this decision, so we waited. And I could go into all of the things that affected our decision, but ultimately the only thing that matters is this: God said wait. He told me I was being impatient and even a little selfish. Because I wasn't thinking about what was best and right for everyone involved (including the child that will be our son or daughter). I was thinking about myself and what I wanted.

So, in the end, when it was time to make our decision, we knew that the most prudent and wise (are those the same word?) decision for everyone is to wait and continue our adoption journey after McDeux is born.

Now, to me, that meant next spring. But come to find out, our homestudy provider in Mississippi won't clear us to adopt again until McDeux turns one year old. So...we are waiting. Patiently. Eagerly. And with lots of prayer. Seventy-two weeks. That's 72 weeks until we can begin our adoption journey again. Part of me wants it to go in the blink of an eye, but part of me knows I will want to savor the first year of McDeux's life and wish it to slow down. In the end, it will be here before we know it. Bring it on.