Saturday, April 24, 2010

Moving On?

I have a confession to make. I sometimes (more like always) worry that people will take what I say on my blog the wrong way. Or that my true heart will not come through in my words. I have spent way too much time agonizing and changing sentences in an effort to make sure nobody is offended or that I do not cause someone to believe something that is untrue. So...I have been trying to figure out how to write this post, and I just haven't been able to. But, I am going to do it anyway and trust that you know my heart.

I have been wanting to post in the past week about my pregnancy. It's an exciting time, and soon we should be finding out if McDeux (the name is staying) is a boy or a girl. But I have been afraid. I have been afraid that to write about my pregnancy somehow makes it seem like I am moving on...like I am forgetting what happened last week. It seems wrong to be happy when I also feel so sad. But, isn't that how life works? I have to remind myself that although life sometimes brings great sorrow, the Lord also gives us great joy.

So...am I saying I'm moving on from that sweet baby boy? No...and yes. Although it hurts to think about it, the fact is that he did not come home with us. Although in our hearts he feels like our son, he is not. While I know that the pain of that realization will lessen over time, right now I can't imagine thinking about it without the hurt.

What I mean when I say yes is that I am moving on from the guilt. Just as God gave us those 7 months to think we had a son in Pennsylvania, he has given us this new life as well. Does this baby replace the one we lost? OF COURSE NOT! I have to say I have been SO BLESSED by people's responses in the past week. My greatest fear was hearing the words, "Well, at least you are pregnant" or "Now you can focus on this baby." It hasn't really happened, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that people understand the fact that we are grieving the loss of a son and that we are adjusting to the new picture of what our family will look like in the coming months.

Just as I can't imagine pushing the past week aside and pretending it didn't happen, I know that I also want to feel excited and plan for McDeux to make his or her entrance into the world. So...that is what I am going to do.

So, there it is. I hope what I was trying to say came across the right way. And please keep Miss C, her family, and her new son in your prayers. I pray daily that he will grow up happy, healthy, and to have a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Photobucket

3 comments:

Hillary Kouba said...

Well said! I have been thinking about you and Mike a lot this week and just wishing that somehow Miss C would change her mind but the I also know that God is in COMPLETE control and He wasn't caught off guard by this decision. He knew all along what would happen and He will also be the one to get you two through it. We are praying for you!

laurenk said...

Don't worry about what others think, just what I think! And I happen to think you've been handling everything marveously. Can't wait to find out what you're having :-)

Heidi said...

God never closes a door without opening a window! His greatest pleasure is our happiness! Be happy! Can't wait for baby McDeaux! And, baby Will couldn't be in a better place, covered in prayer by those who love the Lord and in the hands of a God who has a plan! No guilt in that, just peace! Love you both! I guess that's 3 now! Ha!