Bring on the Blue

We had a doctor's appointment yesterday, and all is looking well. Much to my dismay, they scheduled our ultrasound for May 24th. Ya'll...that's a MONTH away! I will be more than 22 weeks by then, and frankly, I was going crazy with the anticipation. If you know my mom, you can only imagine how Rhonda felt. Especially since we are going to Canton this weekend...ha!

So...whats a girl to do? Call her friends and set up a covert operation of course! I am very lucky to have two friends, who between the two of them, were able to set up an ultrasound yesterday afternoon! Although it's technically still unofficial, it was pretty pretty clear that Baby McDeux is ALL...

BOY!!!!

The Weeks Go On

McDeux is GROWING...or maybe it's just me! Either way, what a difference a few weeks can make!


16 Weeks (I know...I won't wear black again. But it's slimming...ha!)


17 Weeks (I think I see something!)


18 Weeks (And there it is!)

Moving On?

I have a confession to make. I sometimes (more like always) worry that people will take what I say on my blog the wrong way. Or that my true heart will not come through in my words. I have spent way too much time agonizing and changing sentences in an effort to make sure nobody is offended or that I do not cause someone to believe something that is untrue. So...I have been trying to figure out how to write this post, and I just haven't been able to. But, I am going to do it anyway and trust that you know my heart.

I have been wanting to post in the past week about my pregnancy. It's an exciting time, and soon we should be finding out if McDeux (the name is staying) is a boy or a girl. But I have been afraid. I have been afraid that to write about my pregnancy somehow makes it seem like I am moving on...like I am forgetting what happened last week. It seems wrong to be happy when I also feel so sad. But, isn't that how life works? I have to remind myself that although life sometimes brings great sorrow, the Lord also gives us great joy.

So...am I saying I'm moving on from that sweet baby boy? No...and yes. Although it hurts to think about it, the fact is that he did not come home with us. Although in our hearts he feels like our son, he is not. While I know that the pain of that realization will lessen over time, right now I can't imagine thinking about it without the hurt.

What I mean when I say yes is that I am moving on from the guilt. Just as God gave us those 7 months to think we had a son in Pennsylvania, he has given us this new life as well. Does this baby replace the one we lost? OF COURSE NOT! I have to say I have been SO BLESSED by people's responses in the past week. My greatest fear was hearing the words, "Well, at least you are pregnant" or "Now you can focus on this baby." It hasn't really happened, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that people understand the fact that we are grieving the loss of a son and that we are adjusting to the new picture of what our family will look like in the coming months.

Just as I can't imagine pushing the past week aside and pretending it didn't happen, I know that I also want to feel excited and plan for McDeux to make his or her entrance into the world. So...that is what I am going to do.

So, there it is. I hope what I was trying to say came across the right way. And please keep Miss C, her family, and her new son in your prayers. I pray daily that he will grow up happy, healthy, and to have a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Enough

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
- Your Hands JJ Heller

We have been back home now since Saturday night, and things are slowly but surely getting unpacked. This isn't exactly where we thought we'd find ourselves when we arrived home, but it's good to be back. Thank you so much for your prayers, your encouragement, and your kind words in the past week. They have been such a comfort.

I know a lot of you have a lot of questions about what happened. Honestly, we do too. But, in the end, all that really matters is that sweet baby boy we thought would be our son didn't come home with us. I think I have felt every emotion possible in the past week, but right now I am just sad. I miss him, and I wish he was here with us.

I don't understand why this happened, but I know God does. As Mike told our agency last week, we are sad and heartbroken, but we know God is still on His throne. He is still in control. He knows. He is the same God He was when we were holding that adorable baby boy in our arms thinking that we were looking down at our son. And that is enough.

A New Future

About an hour ago, we received a call from the lawyer here in Pennsylvania, and Miss C has decided to keep Will. (At this point, I am still calling him Will because she has for the last 6 months as well).

When we were chosen as his adoptive parents 6 months ago, we decided that we would plan and prepare as if he was 100 percent coming home with us. However, in adoption we know that you always have to be prepared and know that reality might bring a much different future. We are facing that future now, and although we are heartbroken, we are choosing to believe that God knows exactly what He is doing and has this sweet baby boy's future in His hands.

Please pray for everyone involved in the coming days.

Will Watch 2010

We spent several hours today at the hospital with Miss C and Will. He has been staying with her in her room and will continue to do so until tomorrow when they are both discharged from the hospital. It was amazing to get to see him, hold him, and feed him even if it was just for a few hours. It was also good to sit and talk with Miss C and spend some time with her.

Tomorrow, if all goes well, we will bring Will back to the hotel with us! We will still wait two more days for the final papers to be signed, but we will be his custodians. So exciting!

Please pray for Miss C as she spends her last night alone with Will. I can't imagine what she must be feeling! I know she is emotional, but she has also expressed over and over that she knows she has made the right plan for her baby. What a blessing this adoption process has been. We are thankful to have walked this road with Miss C for all these months, and our hearts break for her as she reaches this time in the process. Please pray that she will be filled with peace, clarity, and hope in the coming hours.

He's Here!

Well...It looks like Will had VERY different plans. We landed in Philadelphia last night only to turn on my phone and find a text message that said, "Baby is here!" I thought Miss C was playing a joke on us, but sure enough the little guy decided to come yesterday while we were on the plane!


We went straight to the hospital last night to meet him, and we are on our way back this morning. He is ADORABLE! We are so in love. I'll post more as I can. Thanks so much for your prayers!

Pennsylvania or Bust

We're off! We leave tomorrow morning for Pennsylvania. We will pick up Miss C Monday morning and head to the hospital for her inducement. We should meet Will sometime Monday!

I will try to post and update you, but if I can't just check my twitter feed on the left side of my blog. That will be much easier if we are at the hospital for a few days.

I will be taking lots of pictures, but please understand that I won't be posting any until Miss C signs the papers at 72 hours after his birth to relinquish her rights. This is to protect Will, Miss C, and us.

So...here we go. What a wild ride it will be!

Cubbies...and I don't mean Chicago

My mom sent me this link to Stephanie Lynn a few weeks ago, and I immediately fell in love with the awesome cubby storage unit. I think it would be perfect for the giant blank wall in our living room. So cute and functional since I have no idea where all toys from the impending onslaught are going to go! I found a very similar (if not the same) one at Pottery Barn Kids:



The price tag is a little steep, but I'm on the lookout for something similar at a great deal. If you see something, let me know! Or...if you want to go cut down some trees and make me one, I'm open to that too.

The Nursery...Part 112

The nursery won't be done until later this summer, but here's what's going on lately.

The goal right now is to keep all the "boy" stuff on one side of the room, since we don't know what Baby McDeux has going on in there.




This is above the changing table. I found these vinyl frames with my mom last weekend, and I thought they were fun. Eventually, they will have stuff in them, but right now I think they are kind of fun just like that.



And these are just cute.

The Taming of the Peanut

This is how interesting my life is these days.

I have been fighting with my urns for the past week, and I think I have finally won. See, my urns are too big to just set ferns inside, so (as I mentioned before) I had the brilliant idea of filling them with backing peanuts. Which was all fine and good until the Great Wind of 2010 came through and knocked them over, sending packing peanuts all over the neighborhood. I am pretty sure that although we got most of them picked up my neighbors have probably put me on their hit lists.

So...what to do? I had the BRILLIANT idea of putting mesh bags around the packing peanuts to keep them together. (I told you this was interesting). What WAS interesting was when I took the packing peanuts out on the porch and turned my back only to turn around and see them flying willy nilly up the street...AGAIN.

Yes, I have had the privilege of picking up approximately 1 billion packing peanuts in the past week, along with my very kind 5-year-old neighbor. I'm pretty sure that there are approximately 2 billion still out in the open fields, but I think they are just going to be my present to Mother Earth. My way of saying, flowers are nice but they fade. Styrofoam peanuts will last forever. How thoughtful of me.

I am happy to report that I have indeed tamed the rest of the peanuts. Whew. I know you are relieved. And glad this post is over.

The method behind my madness:

We Got Egged

We arrived home from church on Sunday to a little surprise in our front yard...what a fun idea.


For those of you who don't know, Mike HATES condiments. As in, if I have mustard on my plate he won't rinse it off in the sink hates them. As in, I have to make a wall with my fries so he doesn't have to look at the ketchup hates them. Thus the condiments in the picture. I don't think the Easter bunny actually expected us to bring them inside and slap them on a hot dog. Thanks Perkins family!

15 Weeks

Just a few pics of Baby McDeux at 15 weeks:






Mike had to get in on the action.