If you know me, you know that I worry. A lot. About pretty much everything. Did that person I just talked to take what I said the wrong way? Do people think I'm doing enough at church? Does Mike think I'm a good wife...do other people? And on. And on. And on. Worry. Anxiety. Fear. Do I know that these things are wrong? Yes. The Bible clearly commands us not to fear. Not to be anxious about anything. And yet I continually let Satan lead me down that path.
And now that I'm a mom and responsible for a whole other person? Sheesh. Today in church we read this about Satan in John chapter 8, "...for he is a liar, and the father of lies." How true is that? And how often do I let Satan breath lies into my ears? Lies that I'm not good enough? Lies that if I'm not perfect as a mom then I have failed? I know I am not alone in these thoughts. I have read several blogs lately that affirm that other mothers are struggling in these areas.
But that brings me to my main point. Blogs. Facebook. How easy is it to browse and read through these social medias and become completely discouraged? Everyone seems to have it together. Everyone seems to be doing so much better than me. There's the girl that had a baby the same week as me who actually seems to be able to have time to brush her hair and teeth every day. There's the girl who's kids are always smiling and looking like something out of a Pottery Barn catalog. There were times after Max was first born that I was so discouraged, and I would get on Facebook and everyone else would look so together. And I would just cry. Why can't I have it all together like them?
And yet, I realize that they probably don't. After all, what do I put out there for people to see? Cute pictures of Max smiling...certainly not the ones where I am holding him and you can tell it's been at least two days since I washed my hair. So, I want everyone out there to know that I don't have it all together. And if you don't either, that's okay! I feel like I am getting the hang of this mom thing more and more everyday. I love this little guy, and I am so completely blown away that God has given him to us.
But the beginning was rough. Really rough. I let Satan tell me a lot of lies. I let him tell me that because everything didn't go exactly according to my plan, I was going to be a horrible mother. After all of the medication I was on, I had a really hard time breastfeeding. I spent 9 days crying almost every time Max ate and a lot of the time in between. After waiting 9 days for my milk to come in (sorry guys), we decided it would be best for everyone if we went with formula. And it really was the best decision for us. But I spent the next weeks feeling like a failure. Explaining to everyone who asked why I was giving my baby bottles. I still feel like crying sometimes when I look the the can of formula and it reminds me that breastfeeding is best. At three weeks, Max started screaming for good portions of the day. I was beside myself. What should I do? How can I fix it? When he was diagnosed with reflux, I became obsessed with researching and trying to find the best solution. And the examples of my worry and fear go on and on and on.
It is still something I struggle with every day, but I am working on it. I have to remind myself daily that Satan uses my worry and fear to take my eyes off of God. To make me think that I am alone and unworthy. But I am not alone. God is there, and He is continually reminding me that my plans are not what's important. It is His plans for my life and the way He uses me that I should be concerned about. And let me tell you...He REALLY likes to remind me of that fact! But I wouldn't have it any other way, because it reminds me of where I should keep my thoughts and eyes. On Him.
6 comments:
I love you Amanda Goffinet McDonough! You are obviously a wonderful mom. I would totally see that at the mall last week. Max is so lucky to have you as his mom, and he will so totally appreciate you more and more as he gets older. I totally feel the same way as you so many times. I SO don't have it all together, and I am SO not the perfect mom. But, thank goodness, God is the perfect father! He will give us grace to get through our rough days and encouragement when we need it. I love you very much, friend, and I wish we lived closer!
Ps-Annie walked around Northpark the ENTIRE time last week with her shoes on the wrong feet! Mother of the year award goes to me. Hehe
Hmmm...do you know who I am?! Have you read my blog?! Your answers should be yes and yes which means you know that I am the opposite of perfect, flawed beyond help, and have more baggage than a Southwest plane could hold. I gave up on perfection and the appearance of perfection a long time ago and my world is peachier for it. You're doing great!!! P.S. Almost two years ago I had the same problem with several of the blogs I was reading...their lives were SO perfect and mine at that point was in shambles. After seeing what I thought were perfect lives, I became more upset about my own. With so much pain in my own life, why was I causing more? I stopped reading seveal of them-best decision! Nothing they had to say was that important to my daily life so bye bye they went. My outlook on my own life improved.
You are a great mom and I think you totally have it all together!!!!!:) For real, you are doing a great job!!!! Glad I finally got to meet that little stinker. He's as cute as a button!!! Can't wait to see y'all again!
None of us have it all together (and neither do those ladies on those blogs)! If that were true, we would not need grace! So like you said, keep your eyes on God...he has given you everything you need to be the best mom for Max...HE chose YOU to be his mom! And I have NO doubt that you are doing a GREAT job! Try not to let other people get to you...you will find out quick that having a child with you will get you ALOT of unsolicited advice (especially when you are in the ministry) but only YOU know what is best for your child! And he is a doll!!! And by the way, me/my house/my kids...we're a mess...but God loves us just the way we are....I PRAY ALOT and have learned ALOT about myself, I think parenting is really character-training for the parents, not the child! Ha! Love ya! Can't wait to meet your little cutie! :)
Oh wow Amanda! Such honesty! God is so happy right now because when we are honest we turn to Him and he smiles! He never asks us to live up to the world's expectations, which are so completely messed up, but only to His which are pure! As long as you love Max with the love of the Lord and teach Max about His grace, God will do the rest! Young moms are so hard on themselves and judge themselves on what they see to the left and the right way too often! I did it! But, by the grace of God, and believe me I made far too many mistakes to count, my girls turned out just fine!! And the reason I know that is because my grandsons are loved and they already know about the love of Jesus! And let me tell you, their lives are completely chaotic! Full circle!! You've got this...so hang in there!!
Hey Amanda-
Im an avid reader, "blog stalker", whatever the heck people want to call it. Anyhow I have really been inspired to dig a little deeper into my faith and my relationship with God by reading Your blog and seeing all the struggles You have been through. Thanks SO MUCH for this post, I saw so much of myself in almost all of your self doubts. I have twin three year old boys and went through so many of those moments and still do! Thank God Im not the only one! God chose You, Your husband and Your son for a reason.
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